O Tempore
by polysyn deton
Summary: Theres a new girl at Hogawarts. What happens when she turns the world pside down! RR
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Like oh my God this is my firast story! Yay! I hope you guys like it.

Philimenia Luceita Smith was getting ready for her first day at Hogwarts. The owl had arrived earlier that day with her letter. As she brushed her long shimmering blonde hair Philimenia thought about all the hardships she hhad faced over the past year, in her old school Camden Witches' School(A/n- Isnt that name sooo cool!) and she would be finally getting a new chance. "Philimenia! Get your lazy good for nothing worthless arse down 'ere!" her horrid stepmother- Anna-Suebelle- called, flinging a frying pan up the steps.

"Yes Mother." she responded sadly.

-time passes-

Philimenia looked up at the huuuge scarlet train, the Hogwarts Express and gasped. It was just that big. With my luck, i'll probably be in Gryffindor, she thought, sadly.

Boarding the train she headed for the first empty compartment she saw.

"Hello!" a mousy girl called out, her gray hair frizzy.

"Hello." Philimenia replied, glumy.

"Boy! You're awful glum for someone as pretty and beatiful as you are. Wanna snuggle? I'll help you feel better. by the way, my name's Allisia. But you can call me Ally. Wanna be friends?"

"Go away and let me drown in my misery. i hate you and all your descendants." (A/n- Ooh! That was soo mean!)

Ally whimpered, "You're mean. I',m telling the prefects1" and she ran off,never to be heard from again, until th autheress forgets her own canon.

"O tempore, O meres."Philimenia sobbed as she cut her wrists, leaving bloody gashes all over the seats. That is, until a mysterious black--haired boy walked.

"'ello." he said, extending a hand, and a hankercheif."i'm Harry Potter. You're hot. Wanna make out?"

She sniffed, wiping the blood on the seats, "All right."

They made out, it was a glorious battle of the tongues each writihing in the other's mouth, sending them int bliss.

-time passes-

Philimenia stood in the line with the first years. She towered over them all, like a giraffe among zebras. Her name was called.

Hmm, lots of courage,this one. the Sorting Hat said. Pity there's not much smartness, or cunning, or ambition, other thasn to get into Potter's pants. I'd have to say... HUFFLEPUFF!

Philimenia sobbed with relief. She was to be a badger! The other Hufflepuffs sobbed, but for different reasons. Harry Potter smiled,' Now I can show I've been with every House. Cho with Ravenclaw, malfoy with Slytherin, Seamus with Gryfiinndor, and now Smith wih Hufflepuff.'

She went to the dorms witht he other Hufflepuffs. They threw thing at her because they said that she wasn't supposed to be a Hufflepuff! That it didn't fir the prophecy. And that she smelled funny! Philimenia sobbed her shimmery blonde hair fanning her, her azure eyes filled with crystalline tears, her ivory skin covered in blood. Harry Potter came n( A/n- OoOh sneaky!)

"There there. Those mean Hufflepuffs. We can get you resorted soon, i promuise."

And he left, dogding a rock thrown by Cedric, who was upset the harry was scheating on him.(A/n-Bad harry!)

-TIME PASSES-

her first class awas Potions with Snape. She was ral good at it.Then she had Transfiguration, where she tranfigured Proffessor McGonagal into a pig. That was a fun class. her other classes where boring.

-time passs-

She sobbed, cauhgt n the throes of a horrible nightmare. Blood dripping everywher, she screamed, her throat raw.

A ghostly specter sttood watching, with hooves.

A/N: Whee! Cliffie! Sorry it's so short. Press da button, you know you want to! Read and review!


	2. Chapter 2

**A./n- To all my reviewrs I luv you! Except for all those people accusing me of being a troll- Meaniezz! I'm not a troll, whatever that is. Anyway, on with the story1**

_She sobbed, caught n the throes of a horrible nightmare. Blood dripping everywhere, she screamed, her throat raw._

_A ghostly specter stood watching, with hooves._

" Silence young one. This behavior is not befiiting a princess.' the hooved specter said.

'Dianthus/" our heroine asked, covering herself up with the blankets.

"Yes, my princess. I am here now. And there uis something you need to know."

"W-what is it Dianthus? I'm nt going to die am I?"

Dianthus laughed, soundiong like a bubbling brook, 'No, no my princess, you are not dying, and you wont be dying now fo' several years. For u see, you are descended from the ancient Roman goddess Vestia. You can also speak to snakes, and are a descendant of Pan."

"So what/"

"you have an army of vestal Virgins at your command, and whatever the hell Pan is god/ representative of, probably young boys who like to salsa. Oh, and snakles, lots of snakes."

"Oh. Cool. Are you a good kisser, Dianthus/ 'cause I' d sure liieke to find out.'

"And so you shall."

Philimenia and Dianthus made out, for quitte a while. It was fun, until that mean ol' Ally came in, and for some reason Cho and Harry. They joined in too. Yay!1

-TIOME PASSES somewhere else-

"She's mine!"

"No, she's mine!' hary yelled, slugging Ally in the jaw.

"A new voice came in," She's mine!'

"Cho? And Snape's long lost daughter Heainania merryweatyer.!'

Philimenia blinkeed,' Who r all theses people/ And where are the other Hufflepuffas? God, I'm soo alone! Somebody hld me.:"

Cedric rose up from the floor," Don't worrry Philimenia. I''l protect u. With the power of the Badger! And my dashingly handsome good looks. Oh, hello Harry."

While Harry sobbed in a corner (a/n-loser!), Philimenia and Cedric, rode off into the sunset, towards they great Hal, where they were aset upoun by Draco and cronies.

The most wonderful house of the Bagder prevailedm and all was well

**A/N; Sorry it so short; I've been busy.You like? Yes? Review me please. Flame will be used to roast things!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N; Hi Hi Hi! I'm back, after a long long long absence I'm back. Yay! Onto tto the fic! Thankies to all my reviewers! I wuv you!**

_While Harry sobbed in a corner (a/n-loser!), Philimenia and Cedric, rode off into the sunset, towards they great Hal, where they were set upon by Draco and cronies.  
The most wonderful house of the Badger prevailed and all was well_

Philimenia sighed and stared into e r mashed potatos. "Què pasa?" Manuel Rodriguez, another Hufflepuff, asked, 'acidently' spitting on her.  
"I hate you too. And quit spitting on me you freak. Why can't I just die? " Philimenia sobbed, clinging to Harry's quidditch toned muscles. Cedric glared at them from the Hufflepuss table. _Hoew dare Philimenia sit at the gryfinndor tablre and with my boyfriend. Do you hear me Philimenia? Harry is MINE! All mjine!_ But Philimenia couldn't hear him, 'causew sh he was thinking to himsel;f. and 'cause Cedric's a loser.

-time passes-  
Anyways, Philimenia was practicing her Latin, 'cause she's all cool and stuff. "Orä mihi Ron, Orä"  
And Ron begged likae a puppy, but not a smart puppy, one of the dumb puppies that doesn't understand why there s food in its bowl.  
Philimenia laughed evilly. While harry whimpered in hoorror. She was becoming like his non-exsisitent completely evil twin sister rose poter. Oh the humannity! "Philimenia" he cried "why? Don't be evil! Be god an' happy an' free"  
She hit him. An' then cedric came running over, accicently knocking over Colin creevey and sending him to the floor where his head cracked open, and anyway cedric came running over and cradled harry against his chest, and then he fired one of da wurst spells a wizard or witch could no. "avada Kedavara!" he shouted, and a flash of bright green light came at Philimenia but she ducked, but the spell followed her and then she ducked again and it hit Draco, Ron, hermione, and all the other Gryfinndors, and it killed all ythe ravenclaws, xcept for Luna, 'cause she's cool and random and Cheesre! Yay cheese! And then Cedric said it again, harry strugglimg to get otut of his embrace, 'cause he was being smothered by Cedric's big opuffy yellow sweater, named Bob, who loved Cedric more 'n anything an' didn't want some skankn mmoving in on his man.

**A/N: Omigod! What's gunna happpen to Philimenia? Is she gonna die? Find out in the next chappie!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: HI! School's almost over so I can post more chappies soon! Yayz! Enjoy1**

_And then Cedric said it again, Harry struggling to get out of his embrace, 'cause he was being smothered by Cedric's big puffy yellow sweater, named Bob, who loved Cedric more 'n anything an' didn't want some skank moving in on his man._

But Philimenia was ever-so speshul and called on her powers, her goddess (and one satyr) powers , sending an army Vestal Virgins, which mannaged to distract the boys, and dumbledore, an' she sent out a bunch of hot young boys who Can salsa, to distract ebvry1 else. Cedric glared and ripped off bob, who cackled with glee and began smothering hatrry. "How dare you come in here an' disrupt the space-time contuinuum?" he roared, throwing a handful of yellow gliter at her.

She giggled, and perkily answered that it was Cedric who dewstroyed it, with his heinous, unnatural love for bob, the big puffy yellow sweater. Cedric growled and sudenly big black wings spouted from his back. Philimenia gasped, an' so did harry who had finally gotten rid of bob who was qyuietly smoldering inna cornber. Harry sobbed, "Why is my life so complicated/ all I wanted was Philimenia's boobs? Not this, not this!" Ally joined him in sobbing too, for she also just wanted Philimenia'se boobs. And so did Cho, and Snape's hitherto unknown daughter, who unfortuneatly looked a lot like him, Heainania merryweatyer. They all sobbed. Philimenia noticed this and was quite saddened, or she would've been if Cedric hadn't thrown a fireball at her head, destroying her sense of emotion. Yeah, so… other than that, let's check on harry. While the epic battle raged on, with dead bats an's stufff fal;ling from the ceiling, Harry and Seamus an' Fedrico were buzi making out with eachother. Bill Weasley came in (an-omg he iz soo cool) and dtragged hatrry up out of the orgy, where they were busty eating dormice an' larks' tongues an' fava beans. Harry squeaked, "Hi Bill! We're werent snoggin' or bonding."

Bill grumbled, "Good.' and Dragged harrry off, presumably to have his wicked ways with the fellow, gRyyinffindor. (oh btw bill has a bunch o' peircing nows, like on his lip an' tungue and places)

So wif Harry out of the way, Philimenia wss able to finish off Cedric an' tBob, his puffy yellow sweater hellbent on destroying the world! Muhaha..cough

An' then Luna danced on the body, her buterbere cork necklace jangling an' her radishes swinging to amn' fro.

**A/N: It's a longer chappie. Just cause I gets out o shccool in 4 days! Ay1 don't forget to review! Pwease? -puppy dog eyes-**


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